My Secret
by sophiak1997
Summary: a shock to someone close, read and review, how will a diagnosis affect Sam's life and future.
1. Chapter 1 The Diagnosis

She held a secret, which she would rather no one knew.

She was the ex-Army doc, who would always push herself to the max and not let anything stop her.

But…

Her body had other Ideas.

Just over a month ago I had started getting symptoms, the numbness in my legs, I had to phone in sick as I couldn't walk.

When I went to the hospital for an urgent spinal X-ray, when my fears were confirmed,

Lesions on my spinal cord.

I had MS.

That day I was issued with a wheelchair, crutches and some physio appointments and a whole load of medication.

I had gone from barely taking paracetamol to being on 6 drugs including injections when my symptoms occurred.

It is all a bit of a blur, I cried myself to sleep that night.

How was I going to do my dream job at Holby with MS.

Only time would tell how my life would turn out.


	2. Chapter 2 The morning after

Sam's POV:

I woke that morning, and just laid in my bed having everything the doctor said to me yesterday go round and round in my head.

You will be able to walk...numbness...tingling... muscle spasms... sudden loss of sensation.

I knew all about the condition I just cant believe that me of all people has it,

(starts hyperventilating)

I cant tell people...

they cant no..

they will treat me like im fragile, im not... IM NOT!

(says out loud)

I must not let this control me (deep breath) I will be NORMAL.

With that i jumped out of bed and picked out some gym clothes as I had physio before work.

I carefully walked down the stairs not quite trusting my legs yet. I saw my chair and crutches in the hallway where I had abandoned them yesterday.

Just the thought of having to use them made me emotional, the thought of losing my freedom, it brought tears to my eyes. I had to sit down on the steps and attempt to compose myself.

I stayed their for a good 10-15 mins before I gritted my teeth, swallowed hard and walked passed them to get some breakfast, fruit smoothie and bran flakes like normal.

After finishing I swiftly walked out my house grabbing my bag and keys with tunnel vision to drive to Holby.

I made sure I avoided the ED, and headed straight into the main hospital.

... I couldn't risk being seen, if someone was to find out it would make it real.

In the ED gossip spreads like wild fire,

everyone would treat me differently...

I could not let that happen...

no one can know, I am bigger than this and will take control.

(I said to myself)

before getting out of my car and making my way through the main hospital reception.

I signed in and took a seat in the rehabilitation unit, waiting to meet my physio Emma,

I just hoped she wouldn't give me one of those pity looks.

Will Sam and Emma see eye to eye?

only time would tell.


	3. Chapter 3Tthe physio session

I'm starting to get into writing this, will try and update every day or more.

The Physio session:

Sam's POV

I felt like I was sitting there for ages watching everyone but me be called in.

I heard someone say my name, she looked about 20-25, and she made me feel old. She introduced herself as Emma and she didn't give me that pity look when she saw me.

I put on my false smile and stood up.

As I was walking towards her my legs started to tingle,

I grabbed onto the wall for support.

I was panicking … then I felt Emma grab my arm.

It brought a weird sensation,

Like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders.

Everyone was staring at me, I wanted to be swallowed up and taken away from this embarrassment.

I was sat down in a wheelchair and wheeled into one of the small treatment rooms.

Emma asked me if I had my chair with me,

I said it was in the car.

She sent Matt a free Physio to get it for me so I could work with my chair in the Gym once all of the forms had been filled out.

Emma's POV

I saw Sam sitting in the waiting room the look on her face is one I have seen many a times,

The look of denial,

Not wanting to accept it has happened to her.

The look of fear, of what awaits for her in the future.

Not wanting anyone to know.

I said her name to call her forward, I could see it happen almost instantly,

The way her legs quivered under her small weight.

She grabbed the bar on the wall, holding her weight up,

I hesitated to see if she would look for help.

She didn't.

This worried me, but I had an Idea I would have to discuss with her, if not in this session then the one on Thursday.

Matt wheeled a chair over and we took her into my room, before I asked her if her Chair was in her car, she yet again hesitated… but a positive response followed.

I sent Matt to get it and he happily obliged.

Sam's POV:

Matt wheeled my chair in and Emma said that she was going to teach me how to transfer in and out of it before we went into the gym.

She placed a foam mat on the floor and helped me to slide down onto it, I was taught where is best to place my chair and how best to position myself.

It didn't take me long to master getting in and out, I am a quick learner after all.

Once I was happy and the forms were all filled in I slowly wheeled myself into the gym with Emma guiding me at my side. We started with the weights, as core and arm strength are vital.

After about 20 mins we headed over to the bars, these were to test how much my legs were functioning and my balance.

I hoisted myself up using the bars and slowly put more weight on my legs,

Some sensation had come back but not enough to be able to solely hold my weight.

As I sat back in my Chair, I looked at Emma and said, What am I going to do I have a shift in an hour, if I can't walk I can't treat my patients.

I was getting upset so we went back into the room and Emma said I could get away with just my crutches for today but I would need to use my chair whenever I could to take the strain of my weight off my arms.

She said she was going to get some information about something for me sorted for Thursday that she thinks would help, and to keep my head high.

Just as I was leaving the room it dawned on me that I would not be able to drive round to the ED, so I asked Emma if she knew someone who could drive me round until I had the chance to get hand driving fitted into my car.

She said she would do it for me and helped me with my car transfer and put my chair on the back set before passing my crutches forward.

She drove round and parked in my spot and helped me out of the car.

We said our goodbyes and I slowly made my way towards the entrance on my crutches.


	4. Chapter 4The first shift back

The First Shift Back:

Sam's POV

I slowly but surely crutched my way into the staff room, I'm amazed that no one has noticed me yet.

I grabbed my bag made my way to the disabled toilet, knowing I would need the seat.

Once I had tackled myself into my scrubs and had won the fight to get my trainers on, I headed back to the staff room to put my bag away and get a drink.

This idea was easier than it sounded, I got my bag away fine.

But I thanked that there were bar stool seats that I could use to make a coffee and take my tablets.

Just as I put the kettle back I heard a crash beside me...

My crutches had fallen to the floor with a clatter, I stared at them wondering how I was going to get them back without help, when the door swung open, it was Tess checking I was ok.

_(In thought)_

_Just ask her to pick them up, you can do it!_

(Out loud)

Tess, could you possibly pick my crutches up?

Tess's POV

I walked as swiftly as I could when I heard the clatter in the staff room knowing that Sam was in there, and she had been off ill for a while.

She was sitting on one of the stools starring at the floor,

I followed her gaze and saw some crutches.

She hadn't mentioned crutches when she said she would be coming in.

I almost had to ask her to repeat the question just to check I heard right when she asked for help.

But I thought best to smile and oblige, and picked them up for her, I asked her if she was ready to start as we were short staffed out on the floor.

She said yes.

But when she stood and begun walking she was moving very awkwardly, like it was a real strain.

I asked her if she wanted a wheelchair for today but she said she would be fine. (I wasn't so sure and was going to keep an eye on her).

Sam's POV

It shocked me when Tess offered me a wheelchair, but I said no…

I couldn't give in to my body…

If I needed to use mine I would use it after lunch…

I can do this only 2 hours till one o'clock.

I just hope I don't get asked to go out with the paramedics.

I was in triage as there weren't enough nurses to cover it and we had plenty of doctors,

It was a relief that I would get to sit down.

As the morning went on getting up and down to call the patients in was getting tiring, to the point I was debating to go and get my chair, but I only had 30 mins left so I hung on.

Before long Fletch had come in to take over.

As I stood up to go to lunch I wobbled and fell, Fletch caught me and placed me in the seat.

Just as this happened I heard Emma at reception asking if they knew where I was.

(Spoken out loud)

Fletch could you go and grab Emma from reception for me?

Fletch's POV

Sam asked me to get someone called Emma for her, considering that I just stopped her from falling I happily obliged to get her so she would stay seated.

I went out and asked Noel where Emma was and he pointed to the lady in physio kit in the waiting area.

I lead her through to where Sam was sat, and waited for her to aid Sam up and they walked out with only a Thank you said.

Sam's POV

Emma couldn't have come at a better time.

She helped me to the car and got my chair out,

I never thought it would be such a relief to sit in my chair again but it was.

We went round to the café to get some lunch and Emma sat opposite me on the table.

She straight away gave me a card with a number on, it said Car Mobility Modifications LTD with their phone number I thanked her and we ate lunch before I took my medication yet again and we said our goodbyes.

Zoe was in this afternoon, that was a conversation I was not looking forward to, especially because I was staying in my chair, but I guess I have to face the truth, I just wish it wasn't today.

What will Sam tell Zoe?


	5. Chapter 5 Facing the Truth

Facing the Truth:

Before wheeling myself inside, I went round the corner where I could make a phone call to the car mobility company.

They were very helpful and were sending someone to pick my car up that afternoon, I told them to ask at the ED reception for an envelope with their company name on, in which I had put my spare keys.

I took a deep breath and wheeled myself up to reception to give Louise the envelope, her face was shocked to see me of all people in a wheelchair, but for once she made no comment.

I swiftly wheeled away and headed towards the staff room to pick up my stethoscope

As I entered the main department to find Tess, I could hear the whispers:

(Is that Sam, what happened, how long has she been in it).

What Emma said to me went round and round in my head, KEEP YOU HEAD UP.

Tess saw me and smiled, I knew she was worried about me on my crutches earlier, but she knew I was a losing battle to argue with. I think she was happy I had come to my senses and had gotten a chair.

Tess said I was in cubicles and to start whenever.

Just as I was going through to reception, Zoe walked out of her office and called me straight in.

I had lost count how many times I had done this today, But once again I took a deep breath and slowly wheeled towards her office, I made sure my line was good before attempting to get through the door.

What I wasn't expecting was for Charlie to be sitting in her office also.

Zoe's opening line was 'I would ask you to sit down, but I don't need to.'

Zoe's POV

I couldn't believe what I saw when Sam wheeled herself into the department.

Sam of all people, I just couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Normal:

'Sam what happened?' Asked Zoe

Charlie and Zoe look at Sam expectantly, hoping she would open up.

'I'm just going to be in a chair for a while, I don't know how long, but I'll cope.' Sam replied in an evasive tone.

'Is that all the information you are going to give us Sam?' asked Charlie, filled with concern.

With that Sam remained silent.

'Well you are on cubicles and triage until you can walk' Zoe stated.

With that Sam turned around opened the door and wheeled herself out.

Sam's POV

I headed straight to reception to see if my car had been collected yet, Louise said a man came in about 30 minutes ago.

I nodded and picked up the next patient sheet and called them in.

She was a 5yr old girl called Kate in a gymnastics kit with her mum, she had fallen from the beam and fractured her wrist.

She reminded me so much of what I was like at her age...

Full of energy and life...

Not easily put off from her goals...

Determined.

I got her wrist x-rayed and cast.

All hell had broken loose in the time it took me to treat Kate.

People everywhere, it was starting to look like a Saturday night, yet it was only Tuesday.

Tess came up to me and told me to go on triage again to reduce the backlog.

Every patient I saw had the same sort of injuries, minor lacerations, sprains, minor fractures.

But it all got interesting when I'm stitching a teenage girl's face and she had said she has no medical condition, yet she starts fitting.

I call for assistance and get her into resus.

Just after I had over to Zoe I had this weird sensation, so wheeled myself into the staff room, where my leg started spasming, I slid myself to the floor, just as yet again fletch appeared to my rescue, he got my med and the spasm subsided.

We chatted for a bit, until Louise came in saying she was not a personal currier, but she had my keys.

I said my goodbyes as it was 6pm and my shift was over, I caught Zoe on my way out and asked how the girl was, she had been sent up to neurology for tests.

I went out to my car, thank god I'm on the end of the staff row, I got myself in and put my chair in the back before reading the leaflet on how to drive. Once sure I turned on the engine and slowing drove home.

I transferred back into my chair and unlocked my house, putting my mail on my knee and going to make tea, once eaten I opened my mail,

There was a letter it had the medical core stamp in the corner.

As I read it memories came flooding back, but what is asked me shocked me most.

They wanted me to return and give some lectures about frontline medicine and help run a training week for some regular soldiers to give the units more medics.

I decided I would make my decision after I had heard Emma's suggestion on Thursday.

I dragged myself to bed and set my alarm to 10:30am as I had my scheduled day off tomorrow.

What will Sam get up to on her day off, will she find her wheelchair stops her doing what she wants to?


	6. Chapter 6 Day off London

my updates will take longer from now on as I go back to school on Tuesday and have two weeks until mock exams. keep the reviews coming they are appreciated xx

The day off:

When Sam woke to the shriek of her alarm at 10:30am she pushed herself up and slid onto the floor, once down she dragged herself over to the draws and picked out some leggings a top and a warm hoodie.

Once tackled into her clothing she shuffles downstairs and into her chair, not trusting her legs again as she didn't want a repeat of yesterday.

She had some banana on toast and a glass of water before filling her water bottle and packing her bag, making sure she had all her meds, her temporary disabled blue badge till the new one arrived and a jacket, cap and towel in case it rained.

She had phoned two days ago to book the train to London, she had one change, but she had managed to get a first class disabled seat on both trains and had assistance getting on and off both ends.

Sam's POV

I got into my car and drove to the station, I parked and got everything in my chair and got into myself into it and headed towards the station.

People were staring at me, but I ignored them and went to the information desk.

My train was due in 15minutes and they were just getting my assistant, Jack.

Jack pushed me to the lift and took me to platform two over the concourse.

The train pulled in and I waited as jack put the ramp on the train and wheeled me in. I transferred into a seat and waited as the town turned to fields and back again. I was getting off on this stop and transitioning to the mainline to London. As we were making are approach to the station I slid into the aisle seat and pressed the assistance button,

A young lad came and got my chair and helped me get into position for the ramp which was put in place when we stopped.

From there I was wheeled to the next train which had its own built in ramp and wheelchair compartment in front of the disabled seating plus a loo, thank god.

I had an hour train ride ahead of me, I got some food as the cart came down.

But at the next stop they came and said that they needed the disabled seat for someone who was disabled, I was explaining that I booked this seat and chair space as I was disabled and if they tried to move me it would be taking what I booked. It took a good few minutes and the man opposite explaining that he had seen be transferred over to the seat for them to go and try the next class down.

When we finally arrived in London everything went to plan, I got off the train and headed to the taxi que.

Once securely strapped in the taxi we headed towards Oxford Street outside Adidas.

He helped me out of the taxi and I wheeled myself in I went up to floor 2 to pick up some new trainers. I wanted white with fluorescent laces and a purple heal and some plain grey/white for work.

As the attendant got them for me, I wondered if it was a good idea me coming here alone.

As the girl call Sarah returned, she asked me if I wanted help I for once took the offer, she helped me pick out some new running full length trousers and shorts/tracksuit tops and hoodies. I got a few bras and headed towards the gloves, I picked up three pairs, one fingerless and two full gloves but one with thermal liners. Once I paid, Sarah helped me put them in my back pack and secure it back into my chair.

I said thank you and headed off, I had to get to a jewellers which were making me a medical alert tag.

They had to place a portable ramp down for me, but it was worth it.

The bracelet was beautiful, silver with the medical Alert symbol engraved into the front, and my name, date of Birth, MS and my medication written on the back.

I paid and asked for it to be put straight on.

Once out, I got a taxi to the Dominion Theatre where I was watching the We Will Rock you afternoon show.

On arrival I was directed to a lift to go down to the ground level, they wheeled me to the disabled seating.

The show was amazing I dosed off on the train after eating, suddenly jolting awake an hour later with a muscle spasm in my arm. I took my pills and sat reading my emails until I was transferred to the Holby train, then once again to the station. I drove home and practically collapsed on my bed.

I was shattered and had physio tomorrow, I was intrigued to know what Emma's Idea was for me.

Only time would tell.


	7. Chapter 7 Emma's Idea

Emma's Idea:

For the second time this week I found myself sitting waiting for Emma in the rehabilitation waiting room.

She walked up to me smiling, I think it was because I was in my chair, but I hoped it was because her plan was a good one!

I followed her into her room again and parked next to her desk.

Emma's POV

I grinned at Sam and said "before you reject this idea, you are a candidate, you will be fast tracked because of your army background and i think it will really benefit and give you much more freedom."

Sam's POV

I took the leaflet and saw a dog on the front. She wanted me to get a service dog. I thought I always wanted a dog, this would give me the chance to have help without asking people, but would it be giving in.

As I turned the page I saw an appointment card it read Friday 11:00am disability dog centre Jess.

'But this is for tomorrow I have a shift all day tomorrow'.

'I phoned Zoe earlier saying that you won't be in tomorrow or this afternoon physio orders.' Emma explained.

I wheeled myself into the gym with a smile of anticipation on my face.

We did an hour of exercises before doing 30 minutes of getting myself out of trouble.

I departed the hospital and Emma with excitement and anticipation of what was going to happen tomorrow.

I decided I was going to go into town to Waitrose to do some food shopping. As I pulled up I found only one disabled space left, i parked as far to the left of the space as possible, so I could put my chair together.

I wasn't really sure how I was going to shop, but as i went in through the first door I saw a trolley designed to attach to the front of my chair.

Once securely attached, I start to make my way around the store, picking up salad and some other fruit and veg to cook with and make smoothies with, then I headed to the meet isle and picked up some chicken and some mince along with some quorn mince. I picked up some bread, toiletries and yoghurt before starting to unpack at the till. Someone came over and packed for me, and helped me load the five bags into the boot.

Just as I had got back in and buckled up my seatbelt my phone started to ring, it was the ED.

Louise wanted to know when I was coming in as she was not a post lady and would not deliver the parcel she had to sign for, for me.

I told her I would be their shortly and sighed heavily before starting my engine and beginning to steer out of the car park and towards the hospital. It was a ten minute drive before I pulled up in my space and transferred into my chair. Just as I was locking my car, a parking attendet came up to me, I thought could this day get any worse.

He said I was not parked in a disabled place by a reserved doctors space and that I would need to move my car.

I asked him how long he had worked at the hospital, he said it was his second day.

It took about five minutes and him phoning his boss to confirm that I was a doctor and could carry on.

I proceeded to wheel myself up to the reception desk and go straight pas the queue straight to the desk, I heard a remark along the lines of being in a wheelchair does not mean I get to skip the line and I should get to the back.

I ignored these and asked Louise where my parcel was, she said it was hear and gave it to me before giving me the lecture, as I started to head out the door she started saying where was I going as I was meant to be working, but I blanked her.

Once I arrived home I made some tea, had a shower before having an early night and setting my alarm for 09:00am so I would be ready for my meeting Tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8 the first meeting

The First Meeting:

I woke the next morning filled with anticipation, I finally felt ready to give my life a second chance.

I decided to wear my new trainers and capris with my favourite hoodie with Army Medical Corps on the back and Major Nicholls on the front under our insignia. Once dressed I pulled myself upright and slowly walked downstairs with my crutches, at the bottom I secured myself into my chair and headed to the kitchen. I ate and did my teeth, after deciding it was better to keep my tooth brush in the kitchen, it saved me going back upstairs while I was immobile. I put my hair in a Dutch braid and headed to the car to start my one and a half hour drive to the training centre.

Stopping at the service station 45mins into my journey to buy a drink and nip to the loo was easier said than done. First it took ten minutes to find where the disabled parking was, and two laps round the car park to get a space. Once I finally managed to transfer to my chair and wheel into the service station, I had to wait in a queue for the Disabled toilet.

I waited patiently, when someone whispered as they waited next to me in the ladies queue that was not moving anywhere fast, 'I bet she's faking to get the perks.' And her friend replied 'yer she is way too young to need a wheelchair.'

But I tried to block them out and not let it get to me. I went into the loo and did my chair transfer, knowing they were still standing outside as I could hear them. I stretched to wash my hands before getting back into my chair, only to topple forwards and fall to the floor.

I couldn't reach my breaks to move my chair and I was in a really bad position anyway, so I had no choice but to pull the emergency cord.

.

.

.

About a minute later I heard a knock at the door before someone asking if I was ok, I said no through the door, and that I had fallen to the floor and needed help getting up. He asked if I was descent before unlocking the door with the assistance key and seeing me sitting in a heap on the floor in front of the sink, helpless. I directed him to unlock my breaks and reposition my chair before relocking the breaks. I started to pull myself up checking my legs before I thanked him. Seeing the two girls outside, mouths open catching flies about the fact I needed help getting up off the floor. I followed him to fill out the paperwork for pulling the cord, and thanked him once again, before going to M&amp;S and buying a pitta sandwich and fruit pot plus two bottles of water and a packet of wipes. Once I got back to the car I wiped my legs and hands after being on the floor and hit the road and resumed my trip to the do centre.

.

.

.

I got a clean run to the centre and parked near the door, where I assembled my chair before taking a deep breath and wheeling into the front desk.

I told the young lad behind the desk that I had an appointment with Jess and gave my name. A lady came out, introducing herself as Jess, who owned the centre, she lead me round a tour of the centre, showing me the training rooms, kennels, accommodation and the dining room.

We went into her office where I had to fill out a questionnaire and application forms, she booked me in for training in two weeks with three other people, as she had a few dogs that may be suitable.

Jess also explained that I was very lucky as most people would be on the waiting list for at least six months if not longer, but because of my army background I was able to do a bit of queue hopping, also the irregularity of my MS allowed me to become higher up on the candidate list, than someone who had a carer or less sudden changes in condition.

I took the information pack, knowing I wold need to go shopping for dog stuff. I knew I needed to tell someone, but didn't know who.

.

.

.

I ate my lunch in the car before driving home. The whole journey I was thinking about who I could tell, my mind was going between two people, Zoe, but I think she would become to protective, and Fletch.

.

.

.

I chose Fletch.

I was trying to plan how to explain it to him, unsure of how he would react.

I decided that I would call him when I arrived home.

It was four thirty by the time I arrived and I got a cup of tea before phoning Fletch.

Fletch answered first time and said he would happily come round at 7.30pm to talk.

Now all I had to do was cook tea, and not think too much about what I was about to do.

What was Fletches reaction going to be?


	9. Chapter 9 Telling Fletch

Telling Fletch:

I cooked a simple chicken and pasta bake, leaving it on a low heat cooking while I waited for Fletch to arrive.

I set the table and squeezed some orange juice ready into two glasses, just as I placed the glasses down the doorbell rang.

I went to open the door, and lead Fletch through to the table, I grabbed the pasta bake out of the oven and placed it on the table. I didn't know how to start the conversation I needed to have, but I thought I could start with something simple along the lines of 'would you possibly be able to help me buy supplies for a dog that I am getting?'

Fletch's POV:

_It was a bit of a weird thing to ask if I would go shopping with her,_

_For all this trouble of cooking dinner,_

_I knew Sam to well, she was defiantly hiding something, and I just needed to slowly tease it out of her._

_So I asked something simple; _

_'__Sam sweetie how are you going to manage a dog in a wheelchair?'_

Sam's POV:

I was relieved when he asked me for information about the dog as it meant that I could lead into what was wrong with me without having to approach it awkwardly as this was already going to be hard enough as it is.

'I'm not getting a dog as a pet Fletch, (deep breath) I'm being paired with a service dog.'

'oh right' Fletch replied.

I need to talk to someone about what is going on with me Fletch, and you're the only one I can trust.

But you have to let me talk without interrupting me, you can ask me questions once I have finished.

_'__Ok Sam, I'm ready when you are, my ears are open.' Fletch replied._

.

(Sharp intake of breath)

.

..

…

Last week I woke with numbness and tingling in my legs, I called my doctor and got booked in for some scans including an MRI of my spine and head. They were forwarded to a neurologist and a few hours later I go a phone call to come in for a neurological assessment, where I was diagnosed with MS.

Before you ask I got a cab to the hospital.

That afternoon I was sent to physio to be fitted with crutches and leg braces and was measured up for a wheelchair, which they luckily had in my size to loan until mine arrived the next morning.

Since then I have been doing physio sessions Emma up in rehabilitation and trying to work out how to function while I temporally have no trunk sensation. Emma suggested that I get a service dog due to the unpredictability of my condition.

Because I was in the Army I have been fast tracked in the program and begin training in two weeks, but I… I need… some… help… to get ready. (I say between sobs as the tears start to fall down my face).

I can't do this alone Fletch, but I'm scared to ask for help.

_Fletch's POV:_

_I have never seen Sam so vulnerable before._

_I couldn't let her down, so I told her I would be happy to help her and gave her a reassuring hug to tell her she is no longer alone in this._

_She asked me if I would go shopping with her tomorrow to get all the equipment and supplies she needs on the list given to her, for her service dog._

_I happily agreed, glad that she felt she could ask me._

_We arranged to meet tomorrow at 11:30 at the pet centre, with that I said my goodbyes and gave her one last hug before I headed home for the night._

Sam's POV:

I can't believe how well that went, I will need to contact Guy and Zoe in the morning and ask them for four weeks of time off while I complete my training. I think I will pop in after going to the pet store with Fletch.

I know I need to tell them at some point, but I just wish it didn't have to be so soon after my diagnosis!

And I have to reply to that letter that the medical corps.

I grabbed a pen and made myself a list of jobs to do tomorrow:

Pet store.

Organise time off

Reply to army corps

Food shopping


	10. Chapter 10 The To Do List

THE TO DO LIST:

After going through my now perfect morning routine I ate breakfast and headed out to get in my car. Once my chair was safely stowed in the passenger seat I began my 30 minute drive to the pet centre, it became 45 minutes thanks to the many sets of good old fashioned roadworks along the way.  
When I finally pulled in all of the disabled spaces were full and I panicked, i cant get my chair out in a normal space.  
I then saw a parking attender and drove towards him rolling my window down.  
'Hi, I don't know if you are able to help me, but all of the disabled spaces are full and I can't get out of my car in a normal space as I am in a wheelchair' I timidly spoke.  
'Drive round again and i'll meet you at the disabled spaces and see what I can do' he replied.  
As I came back around i saw the attendant telling a sheepish looking driver off.  
I quickly parked in the now vacated space and thanked the attendent before wheeling towards fletch who was waiting for mw outside the pet centre.  
As we entered with Fletch pushing the trolley, I was amazed at the shear size of the place.

I pulled out the list from my pocket:  
\- Lead x3  
\- Collar x2  
\- Metal water bowl  
\- food bowl  
-pedigree dog food  
\- Denta sticks  
\- toys  
-dog bed/ cushion  
\- blanket  
\- treats

There was so much choice, I ended up with one black lead, one red lead and one camo lead plus a wheelchair attacher. Along with a black leather collar and camo synthetic collar.  
The bowls and food were easy, but the toy shelves not so much, it took a lot of pondering before I picked four. A chew rope, Lion , Giraffe and Tiger with rope belly.  
I picked the perfect cushion with dog prints on and matching blanket, plus a couple of bags of treats before paying and strategically packing the car.  
we went for a quick coffee before i headed home. Once everything was unloaded and put away I grabbed a sandwich and phoned Guy and Zoe to arrange an appointment for 3pm.

-

As I pulled into my space an hour later a feeling of dread passed over me.  
I slowly by shorley got myself into my chair and wheeled towards the hospital. I head through reception but before I can reach the do to head towards the staff room the man on the reception desk grabs my handles and stops me.  
I spin round in shock and yell 'what the hell do you think your doing! Let go of my chair now!'  
The shouting got the attention of Tess and Zoe who quickly made there way over and said ' Matt never grab someone's wheelchair as it is dangerous for them and Sam works here so has a right to go through theses doors do you understand!'  
With that the Matt person headed back to the desk with a very sheepish look.

Zoe told me to sort myself out and head up to guys office when I was ready as I had tears streaming down my face and that she would make my excuse.  
I placed my bag in my locker and went to the loo and cleaned myself up.  
Then headed towards the elevator. I could feel my heart rate quick in anticipation of the onslaught I was about to go through.  
I somehow got to guys office without even knowing how and knocked on the door. Zoe appeared and held it open as I wheeled myself in.  
The first thing guy said was that I had some explaining to do, no excuses right now!

'I ...I have MS, and it's very unpredictable so my physio has set up some training at an assistance dog training centre which is next week for two weeks so I organised this meeting to tell you I need three to four weeks off'. They both stared at me.  
Then my body would pick that exact moment for my leg to start to spasm  
I just think 'oh damm' as I reach to the back of my chair for my bag which I had up in my locker while I went to the loo and had forgot to pick up again.  
Zoe was the first to react and ask what I needed I told her my bag was in my locker with my meds. It was the fastest I have ever seen Zoe move in her heels.

The pain was almost unbearable, but I heard the click of Zoe's heels before the bag appeared beside me, I graded the pen and injected the muscle relaxant to stop the spasm.

Once I looked up back at them they were looking at me with sympathy in their eyes, Zoe said straight away I could have the time off and that she would walk me out.

After the meeting I drove straight home, and found the letter I received from the medical corps.

I found the letter and had my phone, I transferred myself onto the sofa and got comfortable before I dialled the number,

I went straight through to the medical administration team and explained that I had received a letter asking me to phone them about coming in to talk to the new recruits about being in the army and being deployed as a medic.

They arranged for me to go the week after service dog training, I explained that I would need a room with wheelchair access and that I would possibly be bringing a dog with me as a service dog, they said it was fine and that they would prepare a room.

After that call it made me feel better, I headed to the local shop down the road with my backpack and bought some fresh fruit and veg and a few other ingredients before paying and putting them into my bag. I then decided I would use tonight as my Takeaway night and headed to the chippy, I looked up at the daunting counter and said my order to someone I couldn't see, I went with a small fish and chips, with small mushy peas and curry Sauce.

When home I ate and went straight to be, I was shattered and had only two days to go until my service dog training was.

On the plus side I was beginning to get some sensation back in my legs.

Will Sam find the right dog during the training? Only time will tell.


	11. Chapter 11 The Begining of Something

The beginning of something:

The next two days flew by, before I knew it I was driving myself to the service dog training centre.

As I pulled up I took a deep breath and attached my leg braces and collected my crutches. I headed in to the centre and to the reception desk where I was met by Claire who was a trainer.

Claire walked me back to my car and built my chair before loading my luggage into it and walking me to my room for the training period. It was an adapted room and Claire was explaining about the plan of action for today, which was more of a meet and greet and getting to know your personality so that they could pair me correctly.

Claire left me and told me to come through to training room one when I was ready to fill out the questionnaire on the screen.

I sorted my bag and noted the dog bed next to the bed before heading to do the personality quiz.

30 minutes later I was told along with the rest of the group to take a break and meet in training room two in one hour.

I headed back to my room and spent some time preparing a PowerPoint for the medic talk next week.

Time flew and before I knew if someone was knocking on my door, I said for them to come in,

It was Claire wondering where I was, I had completely lost track of time, I went to stand up and had to be caught by Claire.

She asked me if I was ok, I just looked down and asked her if she could get me my chair. I got myself in and we headed to training room 2.

Everyone looked at me as I entered as I wasn't in my chair last time, but Claire soon took the attention away from me.

She explained what was going to happen until lunch, we were going to learn how to look after the training dogs and then after lunch we were to be partnered with our first dog to begin training, there were ten chances in each cycle to get the right dog and pass the assessment.

I was filled with anticipation and only a moment later 6 dogs were released into the room. Burt was the dog I was put with to groom, feed and care for. The session lasted for an hour, then we were lead to the centres dining room for lunch,

Mine was brought to me and I was placed on the end of the table.

Next to me was a 15yr old girl called Chloe and 32yr old Joe.

Chloe was there to get a service dog to help her with epilepsy to allow her more freedom without worrying that she was alone.

Whereas Joe was a war veteran who had diagnosed PTSD after serving in Afghanistan.

It was nice to be treated like an ordinary person again by them and before long we were called back into the room where six dogs were waiting for us with a handler by each, my dog was called Charlie and had a specialist lead that attached to my chair for me to try.

We started with simple commands like sit, stay and lie down.

The Claire took Charlie and I into a seminar room which had a kitchen, bedroom and bathroom set up.

We practiced picking up bottles and passing things, also alerting to get help if I was stuck. About two hours later we were all taken back to the training room and informed about what was happening, I saw that two new dogs had been brought in already.

Claire explained how we would be keeping our dogs in our rooms overnight to see how we got on and we were free to go.

Charlie and I headed back to my room, we had an hour and a half before dinner so I decided to have a shower, all was going well until I slipped off the chair and felt pain shoot across my body. I needed to pull the emergency cord but every time I moved I was in agony. I shouted to Charlie who pulled open the door and turned off the shower before dragging my towel off over me. I gave him the command to pull the cord to send for help.

In what felt like forever Claire and Jess came to my rescue helping me back into my chair and to get some pain killers along with an ice pack. Once sorted all four of us headed to dinner.

Once dinner was finished I went straight to bed with Charlie curled up beside me.


	12. Chapter 12 Success At Last

Success At Last:

As I woke up the next morning to the unfamiliar feeling of fur next to me I started to realise how Charlie was making me so much more relaxed, the next four days were more of the same training in the training room and simulation room. Day 6 is where the fun began, in our pairs we went into the local shopping centre to see how they reacted to social situations.

We all attempted to load into the bus, once I finally was wheeled up the ramp and secured with the dogs safely stowed we were off. 20 minutes and an uneventful journey later we were heading into the centre.

Charlie and I slowly made our way around the shops and into the hair dressers to have a trim. He sat very patiently and waited for me to be finished before we headed towards the food court for lunch we were the last to arrive and quickly went to buy food.

I decided to get a pot of noodles with sweet and sour chicken so that I could pop it on my lap rather than someone carry my food along with a bottle of water.

We were all soon tucking into our food when Sammy Chloe's dog began to bark. Before we knew it she had begun to fit and had slid to the floor hitting her head on the table on the way.

The seizure didn't last long, but Chloe was bleeding. I saw a staff member come over and I asked them to get a first aid kit.

I sat Chloe on the chair and began to clean the wound, soon realising that I would need my kit bag which I had put in the front of the bus. I sent Claire to get it and soon began to stitch Chloe up and do basic obs. Once completed I cleared Chloe and we all went back to our lunch.

Dealing with the situation gave me a chance to get my confidence up while in my chair.

We spent more time shopping before heading back to the centre for tea and bed.

The next morning we were all called to the kitchen for an early breakfast to be told that today we were going to a busy country fair and to pack for both you and your dog and your trainer will accompany you the whole time. In the afternoon there is a show at which Sam you have to go to the platform to be able to see.

We were all off again for the hour drive with dogs and water bowls in tow. Initially some of the younger dogs were quite on edge but soon settles, whereas for me Charlie was fine it was me that was on edge. I was ok until Claire and I went into one of the large exhibition tent and the crowd just got too much.

Charlie could sense my panic and jumped up and was nudging my with his nose to keep me calm.

Claire noticed my distress and took control pushing me outside and towards a quiet corner, Charlie in tow. After about half an hour I had calmed down and we headed to get a cup of tea, Charlie's reaction to my anxiety showed me that if anything was to happen he would be by my side supporting me all the way.

After lunch Claire and I headed to the staged area to get onto the platform, the had to check that we were legitimate, Claire came as a carer so we were both let in and enjoyed the show, the challenge was going to the loo, it was hard in daylight never mind the dark. 15minutes later we were heading back to the bus with one last sleep before the final assessment tomorrow.

.

.

.

.

.

The next morning the anticipation level was high as I wheeled into the assessment room we passed the public test the previous day we just had obedience to pass.

Charlie responded to all my commands and I was given the green light all I had left was to get out I'd card and certificate. We all lined up and received our paperwork and service jackets and headed home.

Claire carried my bag to the car and Charlie got in the passenger foot well, we drove to the service station and stopped for a break, we went in and had a coffee and loo stop before heading home on the final leg.

The rest of the journey was uneventful and Charlie and I were soon settled in bed for the night ready for heading to the corps tomorrow for my talk.


	13. Chapter 13 Army Day

Army Day:

The next morning I woke with an two hours to get ready and drive to the base for my talk, Charlie was helping me get dressed and then we both went of breakfast, soya porridge for me and a bowl of dog biscuits for Charlie.

In my car was my laptop all ready to go, I had found my army ID in the draw were I left it when I moved in and grabbed my hospital ID on the way out. Popping my medical corps hoodie on me I locked my house and got Charlie in the car before transferring and putting my chair in the back.

We hit the road with the journey only taking 35 minutes we were soon pulling up at the guard house where I had to go inside to get temporary clearance and a car pass. I made my way slowly towards the guard house the remembering that at this base there were only steps, up to the room I had to enlist the help of two passing foot patrols to lift me up. Charlie and I were taken into a room and provided passes, one which went on his collar. Two guys out the guard room lifted me back down and I drove in into the base and to the medical corps block.

As I headed towards the door I was met by my old commander who led me to the room I was lecturing in. We spent a good 20 minutes talking about what had happened to the courts since I left and what was going on with me medically.

I realised that I was becoming more comfortable explaining and talking about my condition now I had become to accept that it was now part of my life. I had two minutes to spare when setting up my laptop to work the the projector. I was going to give two talks one to potential recruits and one to current recruits. The potential recruits were first, a good mix of male and female.

I started by explaining what my role had been as a major in the medical corps and what training would entail, then I began talking about deployment, all was going well until I turned around to change the slide and there was a thud of someone hitting the floor. A young lad aged 18 who was just embarking on his nursing degree and wanted to join the army had passed out when seeing the pictures of the operating room in bastion. Two medics in the room brought him back round with smelling salts then took him outside for some air while I continued the presentation. To finish I mentioned about the difference of being a reserve and working for the NHS part time and being a fully operationally deployed medic. The way that thinks you do in a war zone and tools you use are not always available back in the UK.

By the end of the first talk they all looked blank from the sheer quantity of information and when I asked if there were any questions I got one, how had did I find it adjusting to civilian life post deployment. Which I explained was hard but the teamwork in the ED I was in helped a lot.

That was the end of the session and I was soon heading to lunch with some of my old squad mates. Sammi carried my tray and I sat with Iain and Sammi chatting and having our fill of the servery. It almost felt like old times until I went to head back to the training room and I wheeled there instead of walked.

But I just kept positive as the final group entered the room, the talk went smoothly until the end were I asked if there were any questions, one of the guys started saying that if I was the famous major Nichols why was I now in a chair being a coward instead of on the front line serving my country. His comment made me feel so upset that Charlie reacted and jumped up onto my knee to calm me down.

After seeing this the senior officers in the room took charge and sent everyone to their barrack and the soldier in question was sent to the commander for discipline.

Once I had composed myself Iain took me on a base tour to see how much it had changed before going to watch a scenario to see how I think it could be improved.

They were good but not as good as the team that I was on. They just needed more practice so they worked as one rather than individuals.

Before I knew it I was saying my goodbyes and hitting the road to head home. I didn't even make it up to bed and fell asleep on the couch in the lounge.


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry it's been so long since the last up date, I've recently finished school and am going off to uni on Saturday! So have finally had time to write another chapter.

Please read and review, I know my spelling is bad I'm dyslexic so just go with it.

House hunting:

After the last few weeks, I was beginning to realise how exhausting being in a wheelchair could be, even with Charlie lending a helping hand.

I decided that I needed to put my house on the market and find one that was more suited to my requirements.

So after breakfast Charlie and I headed into town to the Holby estate agents. I parked and wheeled myself round to their office, I was greeted by a older gentleman called Joseph. He was the branch assistant manager, he seemed very nice and wanting to do his best to help me. I told him I wanted to sell my house and find an adapted house designed for wheelchair users. But it need to have a bit of a garden so that Charlie would have some space to run around in.

Joseph said they would get someone to value my house tomorrow and put it onto the market as soon as possible.

He then showed me three potential properties, one much older house which was two stories but adapted to fit a man who was wheelchair bound. There was a bungalow which looked like a council house with no garden so was not suitable and a brand new modern build with had been finished only last week for someone in a similar situation but they decided that they were not going to move down from Holby so it was back up on the market. I asked if it was possible to see the property immediately which Joseph said it was and that he would pull his car around so that I could follow him to the property.

It was located on the brand new estate just five miles from the hospital. Made out of white stone bricks with a black electric gate. It was stunning. One story building with a smooth and gentle ramp up to the front door, the drive was paved but levelled to make it smooth to roll over. I was in awe, it had a three-sided car port with plenty of space on each side for wheelchair access. So far it was perfect and we hadn't even gone through the front door.

On entering the house, the door handle had been modified lower and the door was a safety door yet light enough it could be pushed open by Charlie for me to enter. It was very open plan. From the front door you could see the kitchen to the left with lowered surfaces and sloped counters to allow my chair under the sink and job. A table for four, in the centre of the room. To the right of the front door there was a closet for coats and shoes. To the right of the table was a sitting room with a TV fixed to the wall. There was an archway at the back of the dining room Which lead to three bed rooms, a gym and an office. There were two normal rooms and one adapted room. They were perfect I loved the modern feel. And the office was adapted for both able-bodied and wheelchair users meaning it was universal for me. The gym was most defiantly my favourite room, it opened out onto a small deck which lead to a well maintained garden and I saw a door of the left and when I went through I saw this amazing pool with a large section and a small section. Joseph told me that the small section was a hotub and the larger section was a resistance pool which you could adjust depending on your strength.

I asked how much this cost and it was only £280000 which for what is was, was reasonable and I said I'd take it. Right then and there. I had enough in my savings and my house would pay most of it back once it sold.

I followed Joseph back to the office and signed the contract and collected the keys.

I headed straight home and phoned fletch, telling him I had bought a house and wonders if he would help me move in. Once he agreed saying he would be round in an hour. I phone the removal company to arrange for a moving Lorry to come and bring packing boxes. They dropped he boxes around 30 mins after I got off the phone and the Lorry was due to arrive at 9am the next day.

Everything was coming together, fletch arrived and together we packed my life for the last few years into boxes, packing strategically by room and naming each box.

Once packed fletch and I ordered a pizza and ate and chatted about life and the ED all whilst Charlie stayed dutifully by my side. Once eaten fletch headed home and left me to sleep so I could get ready to move it tomorrow.

At 9am on the dot the movers rang the doorbell and the team of three made quick work of collecting the boxed from each room and packing them into the Lorry.

Before I knew it we were on the road heading to the new house. It took just over an hour to unpack the Lorry and place each box in its correct room for me to unpack them and place them where I wanted them.

After a very long and tiring day, all the boxes were unpacked with all my thinks exactly where I wanted them. I didn't realise how hard I was making life in my old house, the adaptations made everything so much easier and requiring much less energy so I did feel as wiped out after only making a cup of coffee.

I took a minute to take in the house, it felt more like home to Charlie and I than my other house every had. The moment of tranquillity was broken when I looked at my calendar and saw that my four week brake was over from tomorrow and that I had to go back to work.

The one thing I wasn't expecting was for him to return from his sting on helimed….

Who was Sam worried about finding out about her condition?


End file.
